By David Krogh
“My mother died suddenly in 2015, and I lacked a strong support network and was left to deal with grief by myself,” states author Alexandra Carroll. “I was unable to find many helpful books on how to live with/in grief or on how to take care of myself while adapting to a life filled with grief. So, I decided to write one to help myself and to help others.”
Carroll is Portland resident and holds a PhD in theology and religious studies. She has previously taught college classes in peace studies, social justice and world religions. “I am officially self-employed as an author and am focused on building my niche area and developing services as a grief coach,” states Carroll.
Untangling Life After Loss is primarily directed at anyone who will experience grief. Its principal focus is towards grief due to the loss of loved ones. The guide is intended help grievers create a personal self care plan with explanations on how to implement it.
Understanding one’s grief can be difficult as grief comes in different forms and intensities. This book helps clarify what grief entails. Also discussed simple things one can do to reduce the feelings of grief and its negative effects on mental and physical health. This is where the personal plan comes in.
Carroll starts the book by describing grief, its types and levels. Next she talks about the difference between grief and depression. “In a nutshell, grief is an experience of extreme sadness that is a rainbow of feelings that encompasses sadness, shock, confusion, anger, fear, feeling lost, etc.—all the feelings that happen when something immensely important leaves your life. The emotions ebb and flow, and they dissipate in intensity over time to become something that you can live with.”
Regarding grief versus depression she states, “Grief can become depression, but grief is not necessarily depression from the start.” The distinction is important as depression often requires additional support, which might include medication and/or counseling. “Clinical depression doesn’t get better by itself. Clinical depression will get in the way of being able to function in daily life and do the normal things you need to do get through a day or week.” Knowing the difference is important.
To help understand where grief comes from, Carroll uses a memoir format as she relates her mother’s health situation and death and the timeline that ultimately triggered her grief. With that background out of the way, Carroll focuses on how to identify one’s level of grief and learn to live with it.
The author stresses that grief is not something that can be turned off quickly. Grief can last for years and sometimes never goes away. “Grief doesn’t truly end, but you can learn how to manage it and its overwhelming effects,” states Carroll. The book offers suggestions from Carroll’s own experiences with grief on how to not only live with grief but even excel with it.
Meditation and solitude can be helpful but can also feed grief if not careful. In short, be aware that the grief is there and plan activities to keep yourself busy while realizing the grief is still within you acting as a plus-one. In addition, one must learn to make time for yourself. “This is a place where my religious studies background comes in,” says Carroll. “By suggesting that people really invest in activities that build connection with themselves and our actual human beings (not devices). Zen Buddhism, for example, emphasizes that enlightenment comes from washing dishes, tending to a rock garden or walking. It’s the everyday activities that help us find ourselves more than some influencer pushing the latest self-care trend.” These and other suggestions within the book will better help the griever to cope.
An interesting section in the book is the author’s discussion of the COVID pandemic and how this or other health emergencies can affect one’s grieving process. Basically, this was a period of time where activities were severely limited due to health emergency protocols. As part of this is discussion which encourages grievers to be good to themselves. Take things slowly and realize that there may be bad days in addition to good days. But don’t stop caring for yourself.
The book concludes with a detailed and substantial section on resources (including informational websites and organizations) and suggested readings for more detail or a different perspective.
Untangling Life After Loss is published by Balboa Press. For additional information on this book or to order a copy, visit balboapress.com. The book is available in Powell’s and other bookstores or from other online sources including bookshop.org. Finally, the author’s website, ancarroll.com, has information about her book, recommended readings and meditations.
Author Alexandra Carroll. Photo by Carroll.
